Mourning

Tonight, I sit here with a sadness unlike any I've felt before. I'm mourning the death of someone who is still very much alive. I'm mourning the death of everything I once loved in him... with the exception of his intelligence. However, even that intelligence has evolved into a pompous arrogance instead of the desire for knowledge it was long ago. Where has the boy gone who knew innocence and empathy? Who is this man so filled with bitterness and cruelty? I know him not.

Yes, there were hints back then in the decadent days of the late 1980's. There were times he could be cruel, smug, berating, abusive... countered by hours of laughter, creative genius, the most passionate love letters, dreamy poems, sweet moments stolen on a high school campus, secret nights spent in a stranger's trailer. There were chocolate covered strawberries and insults about my transgressions. There were Sleepytime Bunnie's and humiliation. There were angels dressed in white... Now angels have fallen hard, hit the earth with a cry that reverberates through my very soul.

So I cry, too.


"All went well in February
beyond this, no sanctuary
and left undone in a frozen age
I give no reason for these wars you rage..."


"...Surroundings fade and go away and suddenly I'm free
and no one that I know stands everywhere and smiles at me.
I go to touch her face and suddenly she turns to stone.
The trees turn into desert and I'm once again alone."


I hope someone, somewhere, somehow saves your life...

Thank you...

Thank you all so much for your good wishes and healing thoughts. I have no words to express how deeply I appreciate each of you for just "showing up." When I read your responses, I started to cry. Yeah... I'm sensitive like that.

My husband isn't any better... but he isn't any worse, either. That's good news. He's really enjoying watching the kittens now that they are able to run and play. In fact, he can't seem to stay away from them! And, since I'm talking about my husband, let's REALLY talk about him.

He's had MS for twenty-four years. In the late 80's, when he was married to his first wife, he was in a wheelchair for a year. The doctors told him he would never walk again... but they didn't understand who they were dealing with. He was determined to regain the use of his legs. He had a nurse coming into his home every day to use an EMS device on his leg muscles. He eventually started physical therapy and, to the surprise of his doctors, he was walking again with the use of a cane. Eventually, he didn't need the cane, either.

In May or June of 1996, he was experiencing a lot of pain, fatigue, muscle weakness, and many other problems when he went to his neurologist. An MRI was ordered and what they found was devastating. There was a huge lesion on his brain stem. His doctor scheduled an appointment to speak to him and his first wife together... explaining there was an 80% chance that he would die within the year, probably within months.

My husband's first wife considered his MS to be a "problem" and she was tired of "seeing his sad face" all the time. She thought it would be best if he went to California and stayed with his parents where he could be cared for -- and so he went. Every day for many months, he put on his wetsuit and got in the ocean. He'd float on the waves for an hour or more while focusing on the lesion on his brain stem. He visualized it growing smaller and smaller and the myelin sheath surrounding his nerves regenerating.

He returned to Arizona in October for a beta interferon treatment in the hospital. This medication was supposed to be delivered over a twelve hour period but someone at the hospital made a mistake and set the IV to deliver the fluid in a two hour period. Know what happened? He died. Yep, he saw the light, heard someone calling his name, the whole kit-and-caboodle. While he was out of his body, he remembers interacting with a being who told him that it wasn't time for him to leave... that a whole new life awaited him. So, he awoke with nurses and doctors surrounding him, a tube down his throat, and burns on his chest from the paddles. (They don't show those burn marks on television, do they?)

His doctor ordered a new MRI to make sure that he hadn't suffered any brain damage from his near-death experience (and why do they call it a "near death" experience if the person has no pulse and isn't breathing... isn't that a DEATH experience?). When the doctor came in to tell him what he'd found on the MRI, neither he or his doctor could believe it. The lesion that was on his brain stem was gone and only scar tissue remained in it's place. This is happy news, right? Not for his wife. She didn't seem happy at all and she refused to talk to him about her feelings. He told her that if she wasn't happy and she didn't want to discuss matters with him, he would just go back to his parent's house. She said that would be best.

Two weeks later, he received a letter in the mail. In that letter she told him that, because she thought he was going to die, she had moved on -- for the CHILDREN'S sake! She had been seeing her boss for months. On Thanksgiving Day in 1996, she moved out of the house and in with her lover so... he returned to an empty house on the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

On Friday, December 13, 1996, I stopped by to see how he was doing and to invite him over for Christmas dinner. He hadn't been out of his house since he'd returned from California so I told him he needed to get out and do something. I offered to play pool with him sometime if he was interested. He said, "How about tomorrow night?"

So, our first "date" was on December 14, 1996. We've been together ever since. He proposed to me seventeen days later, on New Year's Day. We were married two months after that first date, on Valentine's Day 1997. I became pregnant with our son two months after that. We didn't waste any time, did we? It's like that line at the end of When Harry Met Sally... "...when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." ;-)

Wow, that was a lot to write. It helped take my mind off of things for a while.

Not really here...

Some of you may remember my post about my husband and his struggles with Multiple Sclerosis. He's been having an attack this week -- pain, fatigue, muscle spasms... those kinds of things going on. Sometimes I feel his symptoms and that's what has been going on with me... why I haven't been here.

I know... there are many who don't believe in empathic abilities. That's okay. All I know is that my "sensitivity" has been off the charts this week. I've been picking up on a number of people. How do you turn this stuff off?

I'll be back soon... I hope. Would you mind sending healing thoughts our way? I'd really appreciate it.♥

Absolute torture!

My husband REALLY wanted to torture me this evening. I mean, in the worst possible way. We left the house with no destination in mind. Just me and him, no children arguing over who's touching who or which one is being more annoying. Just the two of us, a half a tank of gas, and the city. Where does he take me? He takes me to Borders. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I could live in a bookstore like Borders or Barnes & Noble. Then, when I'm running around drooling over everything, he walks up to me slowly -- gets really close -- runs his hand along my side -- gives me "that" look -- and whispers ever so softly in my ear -- "You know we can't spend a lot of money."

Arrrrrrggggggg!!!!!

Thankfully, there were quite a few items in the store marked 75% off. I bought a beautiful, leather-bound journal for only $6.25, a gorgeous gift box for $1.50, and a really cool stationery set in a decorative box for only $3.25. Yeah, that's only $11.00! So, I guess it wasn't complete torture. Especially since I've been wanting a leather-bound journal for twelve years. :-)

Oh, I finally have a photo of the kittens to share. They are so precious that it's hard to leave them alone... but Pumpkin gets upset if you mess around too much with her little ones.


In a previous post, I mentioned that I wanted to scan in some old photos from the 80's and do a little flashback here on my blog. Well... I don't see that happening any time soon. I went downstairs to gather the photos and the box they are in is now buried beneath two large, heavy boxes and all of those boxes are sitting behind three other large storage bins. Sigh... I guess right now is just not the right time for reminiscing. Still, I was really looking forward to it. It sounded like such fun.

Until I can do my own 80's flashback, here's a compilation of 80's music. (I think I have EVERY song in this video. Yeah, even Safety Dance! LOL)

If you can't say anything nice...

My mother used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I suppose that's why I'm so quiet online these days. I'm not sure if anyone wants to hear about all the craziness that goes on in my life. Seriously, someone should be getting all of this on film. :-)

I have a two teen daughters and the oldest (who will be seventeen in two months) skipped school twice this week and has been drinking alcoholic beverages. Egads! Yes, she is grounded... but that alone isn't going to magically change her behavior. It's time for mom to put on her counselor hat and talk about some core issues, consequences, the future, and all of that deep stuff. Talk, talk, talk. Do words make an impact on a teen?

I know I haven't mentioned this before... but my ex-husband has been living in our home for over a year now. It's a long, long story involving fraud, lies, divorce, and felony charges filed against him (which still haven't been resolved), all involving his third wife. She basically took everything, left him with thousands of dollars of debt she ran up, and pressed bogus charges against him as she walked out the door.

Anyway... yeah. It's been over a year. You know how little, insignificant things start to get on your nerves after a while? Like... someone not rinsing off the sugar spoon after stirring their coffee -- or drinking the last of your favorite beverage -- or using your special sticky notes that you thought you had placed in a safe place? It all sounds so trivial, and it is in the grand scheme of things -- but I still feel so annoyed at times. I really just want my home back to the way it was before he moved in. You know... so I can walk downstairs in only a nightshirt, so I can put my office supplies back into the office/guest room, and so his furniture and other possessions aren't in my living room, office, garage, on my back patio, or on the side of the house. I'm becoming territorial. :-)

To make matters worse, my husband works with my ex-husband and they were friends when I was still married to my ex. (It's a tangled story -- really.) So, my husband not only spends hours away from home working with my ex, he also spends hours hanging out with him in the garage. (What is it with men and garages??) This can't be good for a marriage. In fact, I know it's not. Actually, I have talked about this issue with my husband several times... "Just because he's living here doesn't mean you have to "entertain" him for hours every day."

Then I tell myself that everything happens for a reason. That everything is in divine and perfect order... blah, blah, blah. You know, trying to stay optimistic. Some days it works. Other days I scream, "Everything is NOT in divine and perfect order for, if it were, he wouldn't STILL be here!" Then I feel bad... because I should just be grateful that I'm not in his situation. "There, but for the grace of God, go I." I slump back up to my bedroom and try to console myself. I tell myself that it's okay if I feel annoyed from time to time. After all... I think I'm human... right?

Okay... so I need to remind myself of something...

It's in this song...




Oh, and yesterday was my "baby's" eleventh birthday. Before I know it, my little boy will be a teenager. God, I hope boys are easier to deal with as teens than girls are! If not, I'm moving out! ;-) He's such a joy, though. A real sweetheart. He has Asperger's Syndrome (an autistic spectrum disorder) and he's struggled a lot with socialization and reading -- but his vocabulary is advanced and he does wonderful in math. I always imagine him as becoming a scientist when he's older due do his curiosity with rocks, astronomy, and theoretical physics. (He loves to talk about black holes and parallel universes -- and you should see his rock collection!)

Okay... that is enough for today. I feel a little better after that bit of purging. Now I need to get back to dealing with life. :-)