Let Go My Ego

There has been a lot of talk about the ego these past two years. The topic became even more popular after Oprah shared Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth: Awakening To Your Life’s Purpose, with her viewers in 2007. Since that time, many have come to the conclusion that one’s ego is negative, something to be overcome. Perhaps this is due, in part, to Tolle’s claim that he has no ego.

Let’s talk about ego, it’s forms, and it’s purpose.

First of all, there is what I refer to as the neutral ego. It has to do with one’s own personal preferences. If you prefer to wear a blue shirt instead of one that is lime green, that is a choice made by ego. Your body doesn’t care what color shirt you wear, your ego makes the choice. Furthermore, anything in your life that isn’t required for your survival is there purely because of ego.

Now let’s talk about another kind of ego. It’s the ego that becomes defensive at criticism, feels superior or inferior to others, and causes people react in negative ways towards others or towards situations and events. This type of ego is responsible for prejudice, racism, violence, more than/less than thinking, greed, selfishness, insensitivity, and a host of other feelings acted upon or expressed outwardly towards others. It is also the basis for insecurities, self-mutilation, eating disorders, and all things self-defeating. I would refer to this as “negative ego”.

Lastly, there is positive ego. Positive ego is noticing, but not acting on, negative ego. It is the acknowledgment of negative thoughts and feelings within us. It is a tool which enables us to find the source of that negativity and work through it. It helps us heal the wounded parts of our soul and our psyche.

For instance, if someone points out something about you that causes you to feel anger, excuse yourself and sit with that anger for a while. Allow yourself to feel into it and follow it back to the first time you experienced that same or similar criticism in your past. Look at that criticism and be completely honest with yourself. Is there any truth in it? Sometimes we become angry when someone else points out something about us that we don’t wish to acknowledge. At other times, negative messages we’ve created about ourselves or past memories are triggered.

When we use ego in positive ways, it brings wholeness to our being. It creates positive changes by prompting us to work through negative emotions and outdated beliefs that no longer serve us. Always keep in mind that we are spiritual beings having a human experience and ego is part of this experience. We are not here to conquer our ego, we are here to master it.

~♥~

Wedding Entrance Dance

I'd love to hear some reactions to this:

Isn't Jimmy Carter wonderful?

This is what Carter said today after separating from the Southern Baptist Church:

"At its most repugnant, the belief that women must be subjugated to the wishes of men excuses slavery, violence, forced prostitution, genital mutilation and national laws that omit rape as a crime. But it also costs many millions of girls and women control over their own bodies and lives, and continues to deny them fair access to education, health, employment and influence within their own communities.

The truth is that male religious leaders have had -- and still have -- an option to interpret holy teachings either to exalt or subjugate women. They have, for their own selfish ends, overwhelmingly chosen the latter. Their continuing choice provides the foundation or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of women throughout the world."

I know you've heard enough...

...but I need to write about Michael Jackson. I heard from my youngest daughter that he'd been rushed to the hospital. I didn't believe it. I had to go online and find it in the news. By that time... he was gone. I turned on the television and watched more "news" than I had in years.

As an adult, I don't cry very often. However, I was in tears for over a week. I was puzzled by my reaction at first, then I realized that I was feeling the sadness of others from all over the world. There was a wave of emotion sweeping across the globe much like that after 9/11. Still, the realization that I was picking up on emotions on a wide-spread scale didn't stop the tears from coming. And there were dreams... so many dreams. I would wake up from dreaming about Michael and have one of his songs going through my head. To be honest, there was hardly a time for over a week when I didn't have one of his songs in my head.

I know that there are mixed feelings about this child/man. This bright and gentle spirit who didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the world. Many think he was guilty of child molestation but, after watching hour upon hour of footage of Michael, I find that very difficult to believe.

The following is from: http://askville.amazon.com/opinion-article-Bury-Ending-Myth-Jackson-Child-Molester/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=55320088

The child molester myth doesn´t rest on Jackson´s trial and clean acquittal on multiple child abuse charges in a Santa Maria courthouse in June 2005. Only the most rabid Jackson loathers still finger point to that to taint Jackson. The myth of Jackson as child abuser rests squarely on the charge by a 13 year old boy a decade before the trial and the multi-million dollar settlement out of court. The settlement, then and now, feeds the suspicion that Jackson must have done something unsavory and probably criminal, or else why settle?

16 years later, though, the facts remain unchanged. The charge that Jackson molested the boy was brought by the boy´s father. In interviews the boy repeatedly denied the charges. This changed only after he was administered sodium amytal, an invasive, mind altering drug that medical experts have frowned on and courts have disregarded in witness testimony. Prosecutors, police departments and investigators in Los Angeles and Santa Barbara spent millions of dollars, convened two grand juries and probed nearly 200 witnesses that included 30 children, who knew Jackson to try to substantiate the charge. Not a single corroborating witness was found. Nonetheless, a motley group of disgruntled Jackson´s former housekeepers, attendants and bodyguards still peddled the story to any media outlet willing to shell out the cash that Jackson had engaged in child sexual wrongdoing. Not one of the charges was confirmed. Typical was this exchange between one of Jackson´s attorneys and one of the accusing bodyguards under oath:

"So you don´t know anything about Mr. Jackson and [the boy], do you?"

"All I know is from the sworn documents that other people have sworn to."

"But other than what someone else may have said, you have no firsthand knowledge about Mr. Jackson and [the boy], do you?"

"That´s correct."

"Have you spoken to a child who has ever told you that Mr. Jackson did anything improper with the child?"

"No."

"Where did you get your impressions about Jackson´s behavior?"

"Just what I´ve been hearing in the media and what I´ve experienced with my own eyes."

"Okay. That´s the point. You experienced nothing with your own eyes, did you?"

"That´s right, nothing."

Yes, Michael was eccentric, extremely so... but that doesn't make him a child molester. What it did was make other people uncomfortable. The changes in his appearance brought an onslaught of name-calling and insults that would be difficult for anyone to handle emotionally.

I have no explanation as to why Michael opted to alter his facial features, the best I can do is speculate. It's possible that some deep-seated emotional issues, compacted by stress, created over-whelming insecurities within him. People undergo plastic surgery for superficial reasons all the time and some of those individuals end up looking disfigured. Do you see them on the front page of a tabloid week after week? No.

Years ago I told my husband that I thought Michael was starting to believe he was a freak. That, perhaps, being such a sensitive soul and hearing the constant verbal attacks and insults, Micheal started to see himself as some kind of mutilated monster. Then again, there might be another reason of which we are completely unaware at this time.

I hope we get to hear Michael's story from someone who was close to him. But... was there anyone close to him? Did he have a confidant?

On another note, do you realize how much Michael gave to others? He gave his time, his money, his talent. He was constantly in the service of others but much of that has been criticized or overlooked.

Check out this link for a list of charities Michael supported: http://simmerdown3.wordpress.com/2009/07/09/michael-jacksons-charity-work/

Through my eyes, Michael was a beautiful, lonely, tortured soul who's light shown too brightly for this world. I don't know if those who sought to destroy him did so out of racism, jealousy, or just plain ignorance, but I truly feel that his uniqueness and limitless imagination and creativity were both a blessing and a curse to the most brilliant entertainer of all time.

Up for the trip?

Good day, my friends, and please accept my invitation to Paradise. It's a beautiful place where there are no worries, no stresses, and happiness and love echo in the air. You'll visit sites from the past that contain joyful memories. You'll be given a peek into a future of endless possibilities. You'll be in awe with the sheer wonder of being alive!

While enjoying this utopia, you'll realized what a blessing you are to the world. You'll learn that you are lovable and loved ALL THE TIME. Yes, even when you're sad, angry, ill, incurably clumsy, confused, or just plain lost. Why? Because there's only one YOU in this whole, entire world!

You'll also remember what it is you've been sent here to accomplish -- to be the most perfect version of you that you can be. Everyone occasionally goofs up or handles a situation in a less than perfect way, that's expected. If not for error, how would we learn and grow? Just stand back up, dust yourself off, and try again. Besides, if you did everything perfect the first time, wouldn't life be rather boring? The joy is in honing one's skills, taking each step from amateur to expert. Yes, that pertains to all areas of life: your relationships; emotions; self-expression; career; etc.

Please, grab your tickets and hop on board. There's no need to pack a thing. Come as you are... for that's the only way to travel to bliss.

~♥~

Blogging

It seems that Faith has been feeling and thinking some of the same things as I about blogging. I thought, recently, to delete all of my blogs. To take back the words I've typed here and swallow them up.

Yes, afraid to just "be"... I know that fear. I worry about almost everything I post. "What will they think of me??" I've even stopped myself from writing certain things... and why?

I think it's because none of you really know who I am. You only know what I share here with you... and this is only who I am on my "time off". This is me... pondering, trying to make sense of the world, trying to entertain myself, and not (for a little while) trying to save anyone.

I think that is what bothers me most about blogging... it's almost entirely self-absorbed. I need to be okay with that... make peace with it. I need to know that I am not forcing anything I write onto anyone who doesn't want to read it. And, most importantly, that this IS all about me... my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences... and it's fine for me to give all of these things an outlet.

Yes, I am silly, serious, inquisitive, sarcastic, loving, creative, and, at times, even confused. And all of that is OKAY. I'm okay. And each one of us has the right to "be" who we are... all the time. Well, unless you're a psychopath, then I think you've relinquished that right! =) And I don't always think happy thoughts. Yeah... I know... there's a shocker. Sometimes I feel angry, depressed, jealous, or vengeful. Am I not free to share those things?

What started off as one blog quickly branched off into two. Then I realized that I needed a blog to express things that I didn't want to just come out and say... so I had to create a third blog to write my feelings down semi-fictitiously. I think that blog might actually end up being my favorite.

Faith also mentioned hand--written journals... about how starting a new journal was like starting a new beginning. I can completely relate to that feeling. I remember times when I would hold off on writing something until I was sure it would open up a new, promising tomorrow to explore. Or... at least be extremely therapeutic in nature.

So, Faith, I can empathize with you. I know that it's hard to be yourself even if others have no idea who you are and probably never will. However, not being 100% yourself is imposing limitations and depriving others of a sweet glimpse into the poetry of your spirit... and it's ALL poetry.♥

The Cruelty of the Insecure

I've pondered many times what it is, outside of mental illness, that causes individuals to be so cruel. I know you've encountered cruel, vicious people -- in real life and online. I started analyzing cruelty in people a little over two years ago, questioning their underlying motives and core issues. Outside of being psychopaths or sociopaths, the commonalities I've observed are low self-esteem and major insecurity issues combined with narcissistic tendencies.

The most vicious of these individuals admit no flaw in themselves yet find fault, on some scale, with practically everyone they encounter. By degrading and humiliating others, they feel a false sense of superiority. It is, however, fleeting. Therefore, they must always feed their insecurities by finding new victims to attack. They believe their witty, cutting remarks will make them appear more intelligent, more attractive, more desirable in some way. It may to others who have insecurities on a grand scale but not to those with high self-esteem. Those with high self-esteem merely view these people as immature or psychologically damaged.

The best explanation I've come up with is emotional maturity, or lack thereof. A person's emotional maturity can be hindered by abuse, trauma, or poor relationships. Individuals who were abused or neglected in childhood often suffer a setback in emotional growth. They seem "stuck" at a certain level of maturity far younger than their chronological age. Mentally, however, they can be highly intelligent individuals, which creates a sharp contrast between the way the are able to manipulate complex ideas compared to their inability to act or behave appropriately when interacting with others.

Sadly, most of these individuals (often due to a superiority complex) will never seek the treatment they require in order to heal the wounds of their past and reach a state of self-realization. The more intelligent the individual with low self-esteem is, the less likely they are to get help. So, what are we, as a society, to do about these insecure, narcissistic personalities who wander through life hurting as many as they can? Is there a solution?

Those are my ponderings at this hour. I hope all of that made sense. I was only able to sleep three hours last night and, honestly, I don't even know how I'm able to hold myself upright in this chair right now.

With great love... ~♥~

Mourning

Tonight, I sit here with a sadness unlike any I've felt before. I'm mourning the death of someone who is still very much alive. I'm mourning the death of everything I once loved in him... with the exception of his intelligence. However, even that intelligence has evolved into a pompous arrogance instead of the desire for knowledge it was long ago. Where has the boy gone who knew innocence and empathy? Who is this man so filled with bitterness and cruelty? I know him not.

Yes, there were hints back then in the decadent days of the late 1980's. There were times he could be cruel, smug, berating, abusive... countered by hours of laughter, creative genius, the most passionate love letters, dreamy poems, sweet moments stolen on a high school campus, secret nights spent in a stranger's trailer. There were chocolate covered strawberries and insults about my transgressions. There were Sleepytime Bunnie's and humiliation. There were angels dressed in white... Now angels have fallen hard, hit the earth with a cry that reverberates through my very soul.

So I cry, too.


"All went well in February
beyond this, no sanctuary
and left undone in a frozen age
I give no reason for these wars you rage..."


"...Surroundings fade and go away and suddenly I'm free
and no one that I know stands everywhere and smiles at me.
I go to touch her face and suddenly she turns to stone.
The trees turn into desert and I'm once again alone."


I hope someone, somewhere, somehow saves your life...

Thank you...

Thank you all so much for your good wishes and healing thoughts. I have no words to express how deeply I appreciate each of you for just "showing up." When I read your responses, I started to cry. Yeah... I'm sensitive like that.

My husband isn't any better... but he isn't any worse, either. That's good news. He's really enjoying watching the kittens now that they are able to run and play. In fact, he can't seem to stay away from them! And, since I'm talking about my husband, let's REALLY talk about him.

He's had MS for twenty-four years. In the late 80's, when he was married to his first wife, he was in a wheelchair for a year. The doctors told him he would never walk again... but they didn't understand who they were dealing with. He was determined to regain the use of his legs. He had a nurse coming into his home every day to use an EMS device on his leg muscles. He eventually started physical therapy and, to the surprise of his doctors, he was walking again with the use of a cane. Eventually, he didn't need the cane, either.

In May or June of 1996, he was experiencing a lot of pain, fatigue, muscle weakness, and many other problems when he went to his neurologist. An MRI was ordered and what they found was devastating. There was a huge lesion on his brain stem. His doctor scheduled an appointment to speak to him and his first wife together... explaining there was an 80% chance that he would die within the year, probably within months.

My husband's first wife considered his MS to be a "problem" and she was tired of "seeing his sad face" all the time. She thought it would be best if he went to California and stayed with his parents where he could be cared for -- and so he went. Every day for many months, he put on his wetsuit and got in the ocean. He'd float on the waves for an hour or more while focusing on the lesion on his brain stem. He visualized it growing smaller and smaller and the myelin sheath surrounding his nerves regenerating.

He returned to Arizona in October for a beta interferon treatment in the hospital. This medication was supposed to be delivered over a twelve hour period but someone at the hospital made a mistake and set the IV to deliver the fluid in a two hour period. Know what happened? He died. Yep, he saw the light, heard someone calling his name, the whole kit-and-caboodle. While he was out of his body, he remembers interacting with a being who told him that it wasn't time for him to leave... that a whole new life awaited him. So, he awoke with nurses and doctors surrounding him, a tube down his throat, and burns on his chest from the paddles. (They don't show those burn marks on television, do they?)

His doctor ordered a new MRI to make sure that he hadn't suffered any brain damage from his near-death experience (and why do they call it a "near death" experience if the person has no pulse and isn't breathing... isn't that a DEATH experience?). When the doctor came in to tell him what he'd found on the MRI, neither he or his doctor could believe it. The lesion that was on his brain stem was gone and only scar tissue remained in it's place. This is happy news, right? Not for his wife. She didn't seem happy at all and she refused to talk to him about her feelings. He told her that if she wasn't happy and she didn't want to discuss matters with him, he would just go back to his parent's house. She said that would be best.

Two weeks later, he received a letter in the mail. In that letter she told him that, because she thought he was going to die, she had moved on -- for the CHILDREN'S sake! She had been seeing her boss for months. On Thanksgiving Day in 1996, she moved out of the house and in with her lover so... he returned to an empty house on the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

On Friday, December 13, 1996, I stopped by to see how he was doing and to invite him over for Christmas dinner. He hadn't been out of his house since he'd returned from California so I told him he needed to get out and do something. I offered to play pool with him sometime if he was interested. He said, "How about tomorrow night?"

So, our first "date" was on December 14, 1996. We've been together ever since. He proposed to me seventeen days later, on New Year's Day. We were married two months after that first date, on Valentine's Day 1997. I became pregnant with our son two months after that. We didn't waste any time, did we? It's like that line at the end of When Harry Met Sally... "...when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." ;-)

Wow, that was a lot to write. It helped take my mind off of things for a while.

Not really here...

Some of you may remember my post about my husband and his struggles with Multiple Sclerosis. He's been having an attack this week -- pain, fatigue, muscle spasms... those kinds of things going on. Sometimes I feel his symptoms and that's what has been going on with me... why I haven't been here.

I know... there are many who don't believe in empathic abilities. That's okay. All I know is that my "sensitivity" has been off the charts this week. I've been picking up on a number of people. How do you turn this stuff off?

I'll be back soon... I hope. Would you mind sending healing thoughts our way? I'd really appreciate it.♥

Absolute torture!

My husband REALLY wanted to torture me this evening. I mean, in the worst possible way. We left the house with no destination in mind. Just me and him, no children arguing over who's touching who or which one is being more annoying. Just the two of us, a half a tank of gas, and the city. Where does he take me? He takes me to Borders. Anyone who knows anything about me knows that I could live in a bookstore like Borders or Barnes & Noble. Then, when I'm running around drooling over everything, he walks up to me slowly -- gets really close -- runs his hand along my side -- gives me "that" look -- and whispers ever so softly in my ear -- "You know we can't spend a lot of money."

Arrrrrrggggggg!!!!!

Thankfully, there were quite a few items in the store marked 75% off. I bought a beautiful, leather-bound journal for only $6.25, a gorgeous gift box for $1.50, and a really cool stationery set in a decorative box for only $3.25. Yeah, that's only $11.00! So, I guess it wasn't complete torture. Especially since I've been wanting a leather-bound journal for twelve years. :-)

Oh, I finally have a photo of the kittens to share. They are so precious that it's hard to leave them alone... but Pumpkin gets upset if you mess around too much with her little ones.


In a previous post, I mentioned that I wanted to scan in some old photos from the 80's and do a little flashback here on my blog. Well... I don't see that happening any time soon. I went downstairs to gather the photos and the box they are in is now buried beneath two large, heavy boxes and all of those boxes are sitting behind three other large storage bins. Sigh... I guess right now is just not the right time for reminiscing. Still, I was really looking forward to it. It sounded like such fun.

Until I can do my own 80's flashback, here's a compilation of 80's music. (I think I have EVERY song in this video. Yeah, even Safety Dance! LOL)

If you can't say anything nice...

My mother used to say, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I suppose that's why I'm so quiet online these days. I'm not sure if anyone wants to hear about all the craziness that goes on in my life. Seriously, someone should be getting all of this on film. :-)

I have a two teen daughters and the oldest (who will be seventeen in two months) skipped school twice this week and has been drinking alcoholic beverages. Egads! Yes, she is grounded... but that alone isn't going to magically change her behavior. It's time for mom to put on her counselor hat and talk about some core issues, consequences, the future, and all of that deep stuff. Talk, talk, talk. Do words make an impact on a teen?

I know I haven't mentioned this before... but my ex-husband has been living in our home for over a year now. It's a long, long story involving fraud, lies, divorce, and felony charges filed against him (which still haven't been resolved), all involving his third wife. She basically took everything, left him with thousands of dollars of debt she ran up, and pressed bogus charges against him as she walked out the door.

Anyway... yeah. It's been over a year. You know how little, insignificant things start to get on your nerves after a while? Like... someone not rinsing off the sugar spoon after stirring their coffee -- or drinking the last of your favorite beverage -- or using your special sticky notes that you thought you had placed in a safe place? It all sounds so trivial, and it is in the grand scheme of things -- but I still feel so annoyed at times. I really just want my home back to the way it was before he moved in. You know... so I can walk downstairs in only a nightshirt, so I can put my office supplies back into the office/guest room, and so his furniture and other possessions aren't in my living room, office, garage, on my back patio, or on the side of the house. I'm becoming territorial. :-)

To make matters worse, my husband works with my ex-husband and they were friends when I was still married to my ex. (It's a tangled story -- really.) So, my husband not only spends hours away from home working with my ex, he also spends hours hanging out with him in the garage. (What is it with men and garages??) This can't be good for a marriage. In fact, I know it's not. Actually, I have talked about this issue with my husband several times... "Just because he's living here doesn't mean you have to "entertain" him for hours every day."

Then I tell myself that everything happens for a reason. That everything is in divine and perfect order... blah, blah, blah. You know, trying to stay optimistic. Some days it works. Other days I scream, "Everything is NOT in divine and perfect order for, if it were, he wouldn't STILL be here!" Then I feel bad... because I should just be grateful that I'm not in his situation. "There, but for the grace of God, go I." I slump back up to my bedroom and try to console myself. I tell myself that it's okay if I feel annoyed from time to time. After all... I think I'm human... right?

Okay... so I need to remind myself of something...

It's in this song...




Oh, and yesterday was my "baby's" eleventh birthday. Before I know it, my little boy will be a teenager. God, I hope boys are easier to deal with as teens than girls are! If not, I'm moving out! ;-) He's such a joy, though. A real sweetheart. He has Asperger's Syndrome (an autistic spectrum disorder) and he's struggled a lot with socialization and reading -- but his vocabulary is advanced and he does wonderful in math. I always imagine him as becoming a scientist when he's older due do his curiosity with rocks, astronomy, and theoretical physics. (He loves to talk about black holes and parallel universes -- and you should see his rock collection!)

Okay... that is enough for today. I feel a little better after that bit of purging. Now I need to get back to dealing with life. :-)

Sleep Aid?

When I was fourteen years old, I fell asleep listening to this song by Air Supply for months on end. I'm getting ready to go to bed now... I thought it might help. It surely can't make matters any worse. :-)


***yawn***

From Sickness To Kittens

The weather has been very unpredictable here. Warm - cold - warm - cold. That's what I'm blaming for the cold I had last week. That combined with a lack of sleep. Yeah... lots of trouble sleeping. The amount of sleep I've been getting has ranged from one hour to six hours -- the average of the last 17 days is 4.27 hours per night.

Perhaps I'm hallucinating due to a lack of sleep... but I think not. See... I swear something is waking me up. I'm normally a heavy sleeper. My husband used to joke that a herd of elephants could stampede through the room and not wake me. Lately, though, I will awake from a deep sleep for no apparent reason. Then, when I try to go back to sleep, I will hear something move on the table next to my side of the bed. I sit up and look -- there's nothing moving and no explanation for the noise.

I'm a reasonable person. I look for logical solutions. There isn't one. Well... unless I really am hallucinating. But how many people hallucinate sounds generating from one particular area without hallucinating anything else (visual or otherwise) to accompany those sounds? Hmmm... I'm perplexed but I will continue to search for a logical solution. However, to be honest -- I'm no stranger to these kinds of things. Perhaps I'm haunted?

There is some HAPPY news! Pumpkin, the cat who adopted us (a stray who wondered into our lives), had four, adorable kittens today! Little Pumpkin is really still a kitten herself so I was very worried about her... but she is doing fine. The little kittens also seem well but I know that it's still too early to tell. I suppose we'll know in a few days whether or not they'll all survive. I certainly hope so. I'll post some photos when they get a little bigger. Right now, momma and kittens are inside of a medium size moving box with a hole in the top just big enough for Pumpkin to get into and out of. Not enough light for a photo shoot. :-)

Okay, it's late and I'm getting sleepy. It's time for me to try to get some rest. I hope to catch up with everyone's blogs tomorrow. I have a feeling I've missed out on quite a bit.

I shall leave you with this...

Being In Your Right Mind

A friend found this video and was kind enough to pass it along. In the beginning of the video you might think the topic is mental illness... but believe me, it's not. It's about something so much grander. Please, check this out. It's well worth your time.

I Needed To Smile...

I've been thinking too much... and I've been stressing lately. That's reason enough just to lighten up and post something that makes me smile. This video is at the end of The Men In Black movie.

When I watch this movie with the kids, my daughters and I get up in the middle of the family room and do the dance at the end of this video together. :-)

Resurfacing

I have been bad. BAD, I say! I have been away for too long. So long, in fact, that I became embarrassed. That embarrassment caused me to stay away for even longer. Alas... it is time for me to face the music and fess up.

I've been EXTREMELY internalized these past few weeks. I had been feeling a lot of anger and, the more I tried to swallow it, the more it grew over time. I knew I had to step back, isolate myself and release the negativity I'd been feeling. I can't say that I'm totally anger-free right now -- but I am SOOOO much better than I was only a week ago. Things are looking up. :-)

I've been making Valentines. Yep. Hand-made Valentines for my friends over on another social site. You can't feel anger when you're making Valentines. I highly recommend it if you are having a bad day... or week... or year. All that pretty paper, doilies, ribbon, rhinestones, and those hearts you've cut out lying all around you... it makes you feel -- ummm -- relaxed and happy. I'll take a photo of one and post it here (if I can remember).

I also got in touch with my "dark side". I always wondered what everyone was talking about when they would say, "You need to get in touch with your dark side. You need to embrace that part of who you are." Well, I struggled with that for years. Dark side? Hmmmm...

I never feel like torturing kittens or having some lurid affair with a creep I met at a bar so I was confused about what a "dark side" really was. The closest I've come to it is in listening to some newer music by Gary Numan. You remember him, right? He did that song Cars back in... the 70's? Yeah, I think it was the late 70's. Well, his newer music is totally different. It's... gothic? Emo? Disturbing? Anyway, I LIKE it. It touches that dark place inside and it feels good. It's like having a cut on your lip that you can't resist raking your teeth across. It's so far removed from all of the music I normally listen to... and it's been therapeutic.

Oh! And I've been reading quite a bit. I finally read Angels & Demons by Dan Brown. I love the way he mixes in interesting facts with his fiction. A movie based on this book is scheduled for release on May 15, 2009. I know you will hear about it... it's sure to cause another uprising among the religious folk.

Now I'm reading Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me). It's about how people justify their behavior and beliefs even when the basis for them is irrational. The good news is: this book explains that people have a natural predisposition for doing this. The bad news is: it's nearly impossible for people to change. Sigh...

Okay... so I'm back. I will try to start posting again on a more regular basis about all of the exciting, wondrous events in my life (ha, ha!). I'll leave you with a Gary Numan video if you feel an urge to explore your "dark side", too.