Blogging

It seems that Faith has been feeling and thinking some of the same things as I about blogging. I thought, recently, to delete all of my blogs. To take back the words I've typed here and swallow them up.

Yes, afraid to just "be"... I know that fear. I worry about almost everything I post. "What will they think of me??" I've even stopped myself from writing certain things... and why?

I think it's because none of you really know who I am. You only know what I share here with you... and this is only who I am on my "time off". This is me... pondering, trying to make sense of the world, trying to entertain myself, and not (for a little while) trying to save anyone.

I think that is what bothers me most about blogging... it's almost entirely self-absorbed. I need to be okay with that... make peace with it. I need to know that I am not forcing anything I write onto anyone who doesn't want to read it. And, most importantly, that this IS all about me... my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences... and it's fine for me to give all of these things an outlet.

Yes, I am silly, serious, inquisitive, sarcastic, loving, creative, and, at times, even confused. And all of that is OKAY. I'm okay. And each one of us has the right to "be" who we are... all the time. Well, unless you're a psychopath, then I think you've relinquished that right! =) And I don't always think happy thoughts. Yeah... I know... there's a shocker. Sometimes I feel angry, depressed, jealous, or vengeful. Am I not free to share those things?

What started off as one blog quickly branched off into two. Then I realized that I needed a blog to express things that I didn't want to just come out and say... so I had to create a third blog to write my feelings down semi-fictitiously. I think that blog might actually end up being my favorite.

Faith also mentioned hand--written journals... about how starting a new journal was like starting a new beginning. I can completely relate to that feeling. I remember times when I would hold off on writing something until I was sure it would open up a new, promising tomorrow to explore. Or... at least be extremely therapeutic in nature.

So, Faith, I can empathize with you. I know that it's hard to be yourself even if others have no idea who you are and probably never will. However, not being 100% yourself is imposing limitations and depriving others of a sweet glimpse into the poetry of your spirit... and it's ALL poetry.♥

The Cruelty of the Insecure

I've pondered many times what it is, outside of mental illness, that causes individuals to be so cruel. I know you've encountered cruel, vicious people -- in real life and online. I started analyzing cruelty in people a little over two years ago, questioning their underlying motives and core issues. Outside of being psychopaths or sociopaths, the commonalities I've observed are low self-esteem and major insecurity issues combined with narcissistic tendencies.

The most vicious of these individuals admit no flaw in themselves yet find fault, on some scale, with practically everyone they encounter. By degrading and humiliating others, they feel a false sense of superiority. It is, however, fleeting. Therefore, they must always feed their insecurities by finding new victims to attack. They believe their witty, cutting remarks will make them appear more intelligent, more attractive, more desirable in some way. It may to others who have insecurities on a grand scale but not to those with high self-esteem. Those with high self-esteem merely view these people as immature or psychologically damaged.

The best explanation I've come up with is emotional maturity, or lack thereof. A person's emotional maturity can be hindered by abuse, trauma, or poor relationships. Individuals who were abused or neglected in childhood often suffer a setback in emotional growth. They seem "stuck" at a certain level of maturity far younger than their chronological age. Mentally, however, they can be highly intelligent individuals, which creates a sharp contrast between the way the are able to manipulate complex ideas compared to their inability to act or behave appropriately when interacting with others.

Sadly, most of these individuals (often due to a superiority complex) will never seek the treatment they require in order to heal the wounds of their past and reach a state of self-realization. The more intelligent the individual with low self-esteem is, the less likely they are to get help. So, what are we, as a society, to do about these insecure, narcissistic personalities who wander through life hurting as many as they can? Is there a solution?

Those are my ponderings at this hour. I hope all of that made sense. I was only able to sleep three hours last night and, honestly, I don't even know how I'm able to hold myself upright in this chair right now.

With great love... ~♥~