Blogging

It seems that Faith has been feeling and thinking some of the same things as I about blogging. I thought, recently, to delete all of my blogs. To take back the words I've typed here and swallow them up.

Yes, afraid to just "be"... I know that fear. I worry about almost everything I post. "What will they think of me??" I've even stopped myself from writing certain things... and why?

I think it's because none of you really know who I am. You only know what I share here with you... and this is only who I am on my "time off". This is me... pondering, trying to make sense of the world, trying to entertain myself, and not (for a little while) trying to save anyone.

I think that is what bothers me most about blogging... it's almost entirely self-absorbed. I need to be okay with that... make peace with it. I need to know that I am not forcing anything I write onto anyone who doesn't want to read it. And, most importantly, that this IS all about me... my thoughts, my feelings, my experiences... and it's fine for me to give all of these things an outlet.

Yes, I am silly, serious, inquisitive, sarcastic, loving, creative, and, at times, even confused. And all of that is OKAY. I'm okay. And each one of us has the right to "be" who we are... all the time. Well, unless you're a psychopath, then I think you've relinquished that right! =) And I don't always think happy thoughts. Yeah... I know... there's a shocker. Sometimes I feel angry, depressed, jealous, or vengeful. Am I not free to share those things?

What started off as one blog quickly branched off into two. Then I realized that I needed a blog to express things that I didn't want to just come out and say... so I had to create a third blog to write my feelings down semi-fictitiously. I think that blog might actually end up being my favorite.

Faith also mentioned hand--written journals... about how starting a new journal was like starting a new beginning. I can completely relate to that feeling. I remember times when I would hold off on writing something until I was sure it would open up a new, promising tomorrow to explore. Or... at least be extremely therapeutic in nature.

So, Faith, I can empathize with you. I know that it's hard to be yourself even if others have no idea who you are and probably never will. However, not being 100% yourself is imposing limitations and depriving others of a sweet glimpse into the poetry of your spirit... and it's ALL poetry.♥

The Cruelty of the Insecure

I've pondered many times what it is, outside of mental illness, that causes individuals to be so cruel. I know you've encountered cruel, vicious people -- in real life and online. I started analyzing cruelty in people a little over two years ago, questioning their underlying motives and core issues. Outside of being psychopaths or sociopaths, the commonalities I've observed are low self-esteem and major insecurity issues combined with narcissistic tendencies.

The most vicious of these individuals admit no flaw in themselves yet find fault, on some scale, with practically everyone they encounter. By degrading and humiliating others, they feel a false sense of superiority. It is, however, fleeting. Therefore, they must always feed their insecurities by finding new victims to attack. They believe their witty, cutting remarks will make them appear more intelligent, more attractive, more desirable in some way. It may to others who have insecurities on a grand scale but not to those with high self-esteem. Those with high self-esteem merely view these people as immature or psychologically damaged.

The best explanation I've come up with is emotional maturity, or lack thereof. A person's emotional maturity can be hindered by abuse, trauma, or poor relationships. Individuals who were abused or neglected in childhood often suffer a setback in emotional growth. They seem "stuck" at a certain level of maturity far younger than their chronological age. Mentally, however, they can be highly intelligent individuals, which creates a sharp contrast between the way the are able to manipulate complex ideas compared to their inability to act or behave appropriately when interacting with others.

Sadly, most of these individuals (often due to a superiority complex) will never seek the treatment they require in order to heal the wounds of their past and reach a state of self-realization. The more intelligent the individual with low self-esteem is, the less likely they are to get help. So, what are we, as a society, to do about these insecure, narcissistic personalities who wander through life hurting as many as they can? Is there a solution?

Those are my ponderings at this hour. I hope all of that made sense. I was only able to sleep three hours last night and, honestly, I don't even know how I'm able to hold myself upright in this chair right now.

With great love... ~♥~

Mourning

Tonight, I sit here with a sadness unlike any I've felt before. I'm mourning the death of someone who is still very much alive. I'm mourning the death of everything I once loved in him... with the exception of his intelligence. However, even that intelligence has evolved into a pompous arrogance instead of the desire for knowledge it was long ago. Where has the boy gone who knew innocence and empathy? Who is this man so filled with bitterness and cruelty? I know him not.

Yes, there were hints back then in the decadent days of the late 1980's. There were times he could be cruel, smug, berating, abusive... countered by hours of laughter, creative genius, the most passionate love letters, dreamy poems, sweet moments stolen on a high school campus, secret nights spent in a stranger's trailer. There were chocolate covered strawberries and insults about my transgressions. There were Sleepytime Bunnie's and humiliation. There were angels dressed in white... Now angels have fallen hard, hit the earth with a cry that reverberates through my very soul.

So I cry, too.


"All went well in February
beyond this, no sanctuary
and left undone in a frozen age
I give no reason for these wars you rage..."


"...Surroundings fade and go away and suddenly I'm free
and no one that I know stands everywhere and smiles at me.
I go to touch her face and suddenly she turns to stone.
The trees turn into desert and I'm once again alone."


I hope someone, somewhere, somehow saves your life...

Thank you...

Thank you all so much for your good wishes and healing thoughts. I have no words to express how deeply I appreciate each of you for just "showing up." When I read your responses, I started to cry. Yeah... I'm sensitive like that.

My husband isn't any better... but he isn't any worse, either. That's good news. He's really enjoying watching the kittens now that they are able to run and play. In fact, he can't seem to stay away from them! And, since I'm talking about my husband, let's REALLY talk about him.

He's had MS for twenty-four years. In the late 80's, when he was married to his first wife, he was in a wheelchair for a year. The doctors told him he would never walk again... but they didn't understand who they were dealing with. He was determined to regain the use of his legs. He had a nurse coming into his home every day to use an EMS device on his leg muscles. He eventually started physical therapy and, to the surprise of his doctors, he was walking again with the use of a cane. Eventually, he didn't need the cane, either.

In May or June of 1996, he was experiencing a lot of pain, fatigue, muscle weakness, and many other problems when he went to his neurologist. An MRI was ordered and what they found was devastating. There was a huge lesion on his brain stem. His doctor scheduled an appointment to speak to him and his first wife together... explaining there was an 80% chance that he would die within the year, probably within months.

My husband's first wife considered his MS to be a "problem" and she was tired of "seeing his sad face" all the time. She thought it would be best if he went to California and stayed with his parents where he could be cared for -- and so he went. Every day for many months, he put on his wetsuit and got in the ocean. He'd float on the waves for an hour or more while focusing on the lesion on his brain stem. He visualized it growing smaller and smaller and the myelin sheath surrounding his nerves regenerating.

He returned to Arizona in October for a beta interferon treatment in the hospital. This medication was supposed to be delivered over a twelve hour period but someone at the hospital made a mistake and set the IV to deliver the fluid in a two hour period. Know what happened? He died. Yep, he saw the light, heard someone calling his name, the whole kit-and-caboodle. While he was out of his body, he remembers interacting with a being who told him that it wasn't time for him to leave... that a whole new life awaited him. So, he awoke with nurses and doctors surrounding him, a tube down his throat, and burns on his chest from the paddles. (They don't show those burn marks on television, do they?)

His doctor ordered a new MRI to make sure that he hadn't suffered any brain damage from his near-death experience (and why do they call it a "near death" experience if the person has no pulse and isn't breathing... isn't that a DEATH experience?). When the doctor came in to tell him what he'd found on the MRI, neither he or his doctor could believe it. The lesion that was on his brain stem was gone and only scar tissue remained in it's place. This is happy news, right? Not for his wife. She didn't seem happy at all and she refused to talk to him about her feelings. He told her that if she wasn't happy and she didn't want to discuss matters with him, he would just go back to his parent's house. She said that would be best.

Two weeks later, he received a letter in the mail. In that letter she told him that, because she thought he was going to die, she had moved on -- for the CHILDREN'S sake! She had been seeing her boss for months. On Thanksgiving Day in 1996, she moved out of the house and in with her lover so... he returned to an empty house on the Saturday after Thanksgiving.

On Friday, December 13, 1996, I stopped by to see how he was doing and to invite him over for Christmas dinner. He hadn't been out of his house since he'd returned from California so I told him he needed to get out and do something. I offered to play pool with him sometime if he was interested. He said, "How about tomorrow night?"

So, our first "date" was on December 14, 1996. We've been together ever since. He proposed to me seventeen days later, on New Year's Day. We were married two months after that first date, on Valentine's Day 1997. I became pregnant with our son two months after that. We didn't waste any time, did we? It's like that line at the end of When Harry Met Sally... "...when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." ;-)

Wow, that was a lot to write. It helped take my mind off of things for a while.

Not really here...

Some of you may remember my post about my husband and his struggles with Multiple Sclerosis. He's been having an attack this week -- pain, fatigue, muscle spasms... those kinds of things going on. Sometimes I feel his symptoms and that's what has been going on with me... why I haven't been here.

I know... there are many who don't believe in empathic abilities. That's okay. All I know is that my "sensitivity" has been off the charts this week. I've been picking up on a number of people. How do you turn this stuff off?

I'll be back soon... I hope. Would you mind sending healing thoughts our way? I'd really appreciate it.♥